By Alice Dore-Jones
Like all good ideas this one came during girl talk with some friends over wine and a pizza. The topic Miranda Kerr. It seems the name Miranda Kerr is to be either greeted with a groan or a grin. For Miranda doesn’t inspire indifference but either love or hate.
I’ve got to admit I’m a grinner. I can’t put my finger on why I like her but it feels like she’s my supermodel and as such, I heart her all the way. The groans generally came from those who dislike the opinions and advice she likes to dispense on various topics.
For Miranda Kerr doesn’t seem to have attended “The Kate Moss model school of mystery” (aka a complete lack of interviews and keeping your mouth shut) but instead is very willing to talk about what she is passionate about and often. For whatever reason somewhere along the way to her finding fame, Miranda positioned herself as a bit of a health guru. I suppose that if 90% of the questions people are asking you are related to how you achieved your body, your glowing skin or your daily diet, then you’re probably going to have to formulate some answers beyond giggling and saying good genes.
And it left me wondering what was so bad about what she was spruiking anyway? Why did people groan at her suggestions? Surely, her knowledge was coming from the fact she had access to top trainers and nutritionists. Wouldn’t this mean she knew a thing or two that the common girl could use? So, I thought… What would it be like to live as Miranda Kerr does for five days? Eat, exercise and even think like Miranda Kerr? By the end would I be an unstoppable supermodel or just really pissed off that I’d gone without coffee for five days? So, that’s what I basically did:
My starting place
So, how far away from Miranda’s lifestyle am I currently. Other than the million dollar bank balance, the first class lifestyle and the model good looks of course. Well, I think I’m pretty healthy. I have a few vitamins a day, drink mainly water. I must have a coffee a day and sometimes I even remember to have a green tea. My diet is oats, yogurt and banana for breakfast, a tuna salad for lunch, dinner is a mixture of home-made curries, stir-frys, mountain bread wraps. I eat brown rice and avoid pasta. I use coconut oil and don’t eat processed food that much.
I’m a massive snacker and often have drinking chocolate with yogurt and oats for a post work snack. If sweets are around I’ll have some. Not a lot but I find it hard to say no when birthday cakes are on offer. I love almonds. I also love peanut butter on rice cakes… mmm peanut butter. I also love wine and have a thing for champagne (they are my friday night Bff’s). Having a couple of glasses mid-week suits me and I tend to have a boozy weekend night too (we all have vices right!).
I exercise about 5 times a week. I ran a marathon a couple of years ago. Lately, I’ve been doing the Kayla Itsines plan and it’s killed me. I walk to work when I’m not running late (which isn’t as often as it should be).
So far as my beauty regimes goes, I’m a quick shower, throw up wet hair in a bun, do some skin stuff and wear makeup kind of girl. I’m a pretty happy person and try to see the positive in most things. I do get moody and impatient with people. But sometimes people are just annoying… right? So hopefully this paints a picture of where I’m coming from…
I head to the chemist and I buy up on vitamins:
– There is spirulina (which I find in tablet form, I’ve tried to do the powder before, I think tablets seem like a better option… Why? Because this way I can get them down as fast as possible. This stuff tastes gross. To be perfectly honest I’d liken it to eating a fart).
– Vitamin C
– fish oil
– I also pick up a dry body brush for my new beauty regime.
I don’t buy any Kora products (this is the beauty company that Miranda owns). I got excited a few years ago and bought this range. It wasn’t for me. Instead, I’ll use the rose hip oil spray and organic pimple cream I already have.
At the checkout I feel like my bank account has taken a hit when the sales assistant tells me I have to hand over what is quite a lot of money. I tell myself it’s an investment me… right??
Next it’s organic vegan protein powder, chia seeds, cacao, seaweed flakes for salad and apple cider vinegar. More money leaves my bank account. I feel like I’m Jack from Jack and the bean stalk and I’ve just bought some magic beans… these things better work.
I do my grocery shop online and salmon is purchased in bulk, along with kale, fennel, quinoa cereal, etc… More money leaves my bank account. I try to get mainly organic (as Miranda is all about organic) but I can’t really afford it, so I go for as much as I can.
I have a brain wave that this is the sort of thing you shouldn’t start on a Monday. It’s going to be tricky going to work and starting new habits. I’ll make it go for six days and start on Sunday… Great idea. Pat your self on the back I think.
And so we begin
I wake with a dry mouth (you know the sort… like your mouth is filled with sand) and the feeling that I’m dying. To say I’m feeling rough is an understatement. My brain catches up to what is going on and reminds me I am not in fact dying but extremely hung over. Crap. This is not how Miranda wakes up.
Suddenly, my brain reminds me that I have to hurry out of bed as the groceries for my new lifestyle are being delivered to my apartment this morning. I thought I’d be a bright spark this morning and arranged for an early Sunday morning drop off. I curse myself for such a stupid idea and then try to seem human for the delivery man. I then suffer through unpacking and putting away the delivery. I decide more sleep is needed.
Get back into bed with large glass of water in hand. I then google, “Miranda Kerr hang over advice”. Given that she doesn’t really drink that much (according to her previous personal chef) I’m not holding out for guidance but some results pop up. Apparently, Kerr recommends a steam with eucalyptus oil, a splash in the ocean and a shower. I’ve no ocean or eucalyptus oil, so the shower seems like solid advice.
At this point I see the body brush and realise I need to dry body brush before the shower. Proceed to do the action which feels like taking sand paper to my body. Then straight into shower. I feel slightly better. I spray the organic rose hip spray. I hope it’s some sort of magic potion that will draw the toxins out of my body. Nothing happens but it does smell nice.
My friends (aka partners in the hang over creation) message me asking how I’m pulling up. I respond with an affirmation that Miranda has shared about how in facing struggles you can learn how to fly. And in that moment I’m really trying to believe my struggle will come to an end and I will love my body again.
I’ve stupidly told them about some of the things I’ve found in my Miranda research, like the fact she says she sometimes like to jump for joy (yes you read that correctly). My friend (or should I say enemy) suggests now is the time to try this… I politely decline (the action might force my internal organs to jump for joy out of my body).
It’s time to have the lemon and apple cider vinegar. This is hard. Mainly because I’m hung over and feeling a little sensitive to taste. I just hope this is cleaning my insides and helping them, after I’ve been so destructive last night.
I should also at this time let you know that I don’t like apples (it’s a hang up from my childhood) so I’m not looking forward to this at all. The cider/lemon combo is pretty bitter… what I’ve learnt this morning is to do it in a quick action, like knocking back a shot!
It’s breakfast time. I cook eggs with tomato, avocado and some salmon flaked on top. I give my husband two carb-a-licious pieces of toast for his and serve mine on some sweet potato chips. It is actually the breakfast of champions and I’m feeling much better on finishing it.
Then, it’s time to face all the new vitamins. I’m not sure if you’ve ever had spirulina. It’s hard work and the tablets still leave a hint of fart taste in my mouth… lovely! Next, it’s time for my cold pressed green juice. I’ve found one that comes ready-made which is similar to what Miranda prescribes to.
Husband comes along to get one but picks a berry flavoured one instead. I note his selection has 33g of sugar, while mine has 0.7g. I’m too nervous to open the juice as I walk along, as I’m wearing a white top. When I do finally get it open it’s not as bad as I thought it would be but it is like having a munch through a garden bed… dirt included.
Husband tries the green juice and declares his berry select to be superior. I head over to the park to lap up some vitamin D and chill to music. Then it’s time to take a long walk and do miranda’s 15 min power exercise circuit, which I’m finally ready to face. It’s a full on 15 mins and my legs shake like an earth quake with the wall sit (having never done one before).
Dinner that night is Salmon with salad. I am delighted. I cook the salmon in coconut milk and a yellow spice rub. This is something I could eat all them time! This doesn’t however stop me from being slightly envious of the lamb hamburger and deep-fried chips with herb mayo that husband gets as take away for dinner. I do however feel superior for my great life choices today. I take this pride to bed.
Get up before work to exercise. I would normally go for a run but I’m keen to do as Miranda and I make her 15 min workout go for 30 mins by repeating and adding a few moves. I go to dry body brush before my shower and realise I can’t as I’m sweaty- whoops. Note to self this has to be the very first thing you do.
This being Miranda thing is hard work. I haven’t allotted enough time for all the little steps and getting the cider/lemon drink down, taking all my vitamins and packing my lunch, protein shake, almonds, etc is an involved process. Must be more organised.
Miranda’s go to breakfast is eggs. I don’t have time for this. I switch my trusty oats to quinoa flakes, which she has from time to time.They are gluten-free which sees them get the Miranda tick of approval. I’m still using greek yogurt and cow’s milk (organic) and I wonder if I should be since Miranda doesn’t do dairy… am I cheating?
Get to the office with green juice in hand. No coffee for a second day! It’s a celebrity red carpet event day and working in a celeb magazine this is like D-Day for us. It’s super busy. Also, working in media means random things get sent to the office from time to time… So of course today of all days, chocolates, popcorn and lollies are sent to the team. I think about Miranda and I decline. I realise this week I will be basically thinking “What would Miranda do?” as my guide. And the answer will always be “No!”
I work back late and thankfully the almonds and protein shake fill me up. Dinner is a grass-fed beef stir fry with veggies, no oyster sauce as normal, just the spices and a squeeze of lime. I take two tablespoons of the brown rice. It’s a weak moment but I want some carbs.
I dry body brush and this time enjoy it much more. I relax with some yoga moves that Miranda recommends. But then while watching TV I break. I go and eat two squares of dark organic chocolate. It’s been one of the busiest days of the year at work and I need a reward. I decide Miranda would approve, it’s organic after all.
Today would normally be my exercise rest day. In the spirit of Miranda who tries to do something everyday I decide it’s time to try her 10 min plank. Now I’m not very strong so this takes place on my elbows. I make it to the full ten mins (with a few little stops of the timer to wriggle my arms).
I also attempt to jump for joy. Something Miranda says she does to put her in a good mood for the day. I’m not sure if I’ve done it right because I’m not any more joy filled afterwards and just feel like I’ve jumped up and down on the spot… must try again tomorrow.
I mix up the green juice today and opt for one that has lemon in it too. The lemon is a revelation and a real treat. The dirt is hidden with the lemon add-on… it almost feels naughty having it… note to self am I losing my mind?
The green juice fills me up and I feel like I snack far less today. I add fennel and seaweed to my salad at work today and it’s a nice addition for flavour. Yummy! Today I see a photo of Miranda online, in all her supermodel glory. It’s from the Vanity fair party at the Oscars. Besides looking amazing, I note she has a glass of champagne in her hand… So, it must be okay to drink for special occasions then? (Note to self if I am invited to an A-list international party this week it will be within the rules to drink champagne).
Tonight I make my own salmon dinner and make husband a pulled pork pizza. A bit of the sauce from his dish accidentally gets on my finger and then into my mouth… whoops! The taste is fantastic. But I solider on with my dinner and even avoid chocolate tonight. I do forget the yoga moves but I’ve done everything else from vitamins to body brushing so I don’t feel too bad. I’m pretty much turning into Miranda at this stage…
I have to be at work early today (630am) and it’s hard getting all these extra steps in but somehow I manage it and I’m out the door! I’m loving the body brushing now and find the tingle quite nice (that doesn’t at all sound creepy). I think my skin is looking better for it but I note you can’t rock a fake tan if your planning on brushing it off.
For breakfast, I’ve gone and bought a coconut milk product. I figure Miranda doesn’t do cow related dairy and I should try to get away from it. I’m still having greek yogurt but I’ve cut back.
I arrive at work to see the sunrise. I decide Miranda would take this in and appreciate it. I actually feel a little bit more grateful and happy for taking the time to see something so beautiful happening. Who am I this morning? It’s a slight WTF moment.
I have a green tea at work and it feels like a mini treat. Today, I’m trying to hold off eating so many almonds… they have become my vice. It’s hard I feel quite peckish today and the almonds are the only thing keeping me from hungry anger.
I head to a new juice place and am repeatedly asked if I want something in the juice to make it taste nice. They don’t seem to get the no fruit in the cold pressed green juice concept. I have to explain it’s not meant to taste great. The guy says he hopes it tastes okay. I say it’s okay- it’s not meant to…
The juice is awesome. It is 1130am and I am super hungry. I think there could be a connection between the hunger and the fact I’d think anything tasted nice right now. I rush home to make myself eggs with veggies, avocado and sweet potato chips. It is an awesome lunch and I lap it up.
I go for my run. I’ve decided Miranda would like running in parklands and I’ll stick to doing this. I try to take it all in. I spot some ducks at one stage and think wow, it’s ducks… maybe my ability to look at the small things needs more attention… but I’m sure Miranda would give me a thumbs up for checking out those ducks.
It’s salmon for dinner again and I’m super happy. I LOVE this style of food. It’s actually really easy to cook each night and I’m enjoying not trying to come up with fancy food every night. But then I watch My Kitchen Rules on TV and there are desserts and great looking main dishes. I decide two pieces of dark chocolate are called for.
I also attempt more yoga. This time it’s a thing called a round house. I decide to position my phone close to me in case I pull a back muscle and injury myself . I have visions of being trapped in an injured state and since husband is at soccer training I might need to call someone for help. I manage not to injure myself but I also don’t think this is a move I’m going to master anytime soon.
I dry body brush before exercise – Bam! I’m totally getting the hang of this! I am super hungry this morning and exercise before breakfast sees my hunger spike. I go at breakfast like a crazy person.
I hitch a lift to work with Husband, who has a coffee in the car with him. It smells really good. Like I mean REALLY REALLY good. My green juice can’t compete with the aromas – it has none. If I’m perfectly honest I’m a little high off the smell of that coffee when I get out of the car. It’s left me weak at my knees.
I then realise I’ve forgotten to take last night vitamins but just make a note to try harder. There is no way I can double dose on all of these things to catch up.
Tonight, my friend is in town and has come to stay the night with us. It’s handy that she isn’t a drinker as I don’t have to explain I’m not drinking (at my age people assume your hiding a pregnancy when you decline a drink as a known drinker). We have a BBQ for dinner. So, it’s a salad, sweet potato chips and chicken/ steak which is perfect guest food. I also manage to keep on track for this Miranda thing.
Then to my surprise my non-drinking friend takes husband up on his offer for some tawny as a night cap. I sit there and try not to smell the hints of butterscotch in the air. “I am one with Miranda”, I tell myself and go to bed.
I do Miranda’s morning yoga and it feels awesome. I love the stretch and realise this has been missing from my life. I think I’ll keep this up in my post Miranda life (sounds like getting out of jail… life on the outside).
I go for a run and come home absolutely drenched. There has been a down pour and I got caught in it. I actually have to laugh at my drowned rat appearance and find being positive instead of negative about the whole thing a more satisfying way to go.
At work it is a co-workers birthday and they have a snickers birthday cake. It looks amazing but I manage to stay away. I have half of a protein ball I’ve got stashed in my desk. It’s not the same but I’m 99% sure it would be the way Miranda would have played it.
I head to the pressed juice place where I can buy it pre-made in a bottle. While I prefer the other one I’ve been getting, I don’t want to deal with the odd looks they give me every time I order it without a hint of fruit being added. It’s not meant to taste nice… just get it people!
Back at work I text husband and inform him that I’ve been in contact with Miranda and she said it was okay to have a glass of wine tonight. Miranda can totally see how going to the movies is almost like being at the Vanity Fair party and one wine is fine (NOTE: I did not speak to Miranda- I am lying to husband to justify my wine and breaking this- wink wink- he totally fell for it too).
I choose a nice red. I figure it’s got antioxidants and could be good for me… right? Husband is super hungry and orders a cheese board. It comes out with smoked almonds which I’m all for. The cheese is goats cheese and some of it ends up in my mouth- whoops! We head home and I make us a late dinner of baked eggs. It’s Friday and I’ve had one glass of wine and a healthy home cooked dinner… Wow!
IT’S OVER… NOW WHAT?
What have I learnt and taken from this?
– I liked being hungry in the mornings. This made me realise that I’m eating far too much at night. Our serving sizes are big (a habit I picked up when marathon training).
– I didn’t really miss coffee. I’m not as beholden to it as I thought. In fact, I’ll mix it up with green juices from now on… maybe?
– Having a rule to follow gives you a lot of will power. It’s easy to say no when you have an objective.
– I like Yoga. I might not be a yogi but giving my body some extra stretches might be what it needs. I might try to add some of them to my workout recovery.
– There are some things I’m going to keep at as I’d like to see if they help my body. Like the vitamins, body brushing and positive thinking.
– While this wasn’t about weight loss, I did weigh myself at the end of the 6 days and I’d lost a 1kg. I’m not really looking to lose any weight as I’m in a happy place with where I’m at. I can only think the weight loss came from being super healthy. I did say no to cake after all!
ONE MONTH ON
I’m still taking the vitamins, body brushing and my diet choices are fairly similar. I am however drinking and eating on weekends like I use to. I can’t be that perfect with my approach on a full-time basis. Life for me is too short not to have a glass of wine or say yes to eating out with friends.
It’s nice to know I can do it if I really want to but it’s nicer to know I don’t have to (there is no bikini photo shoot in my future). So far as jumping for joy- it really didn’t take off in my life (it still feels like jumping on the spot) but the idea of being a little more grateful and positive is something I’m working on.
Oh and this week didn’t turn me off Miranda- I still heart her all the way 🙂
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